In reflecting on our relationship with Julian, we made sure he knew we loved and adored him. The girls thought he was the favorite but there's so many things I wish I did different. I guess we all have things we'd like to change about our past. Here's just a few things I wish I had learned before losing Julian:

 

1. Every day truly is a gift. Every day, no matter how hot/cold/annoying/busy/boring/etc. is precious. I wish I spent less time longing for a stage to be over or in a hurry to have the kids doing the next thing...walking, out of diapers, sleeping through the night, in full time school, out for summer break, leaving for vacation, you get the picture. This day, right now is the gift.

 

2. Don't sweat the small stuff. Every glass of spilled milk, every flunking grade, every toddler tantrum, every vape that finds it's way in your kid's backpack, is a chance to guide, correct in love, and learn from. "The anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God." How I wish I used less scolding and more speaking the truth in love in my everyday discipline.

 

3. Don't neglect the big stuff. I wish we were more diligent about family meals in these last few years, making weekly quality time with each kid a priority, getting help with learning issues sooner.

 

4. Kids are not a distraction from the important work, they are the important work. Work consumed me. When I wasn't working, I was thinking about working. No job, no matter how important, is more important than raising kids, making time for them, and making sure they know they are not a distraction.

 

5. Be your kids' biggest fan. I wish I would have taken more interest in the things Julian was interested in...even those crazy Minecraft worlds that he spent hours creating, listening more intently to his latest girlfriend stories, and ooohh'ing and aaahh'ing more over the designs he created or the you tube channel he was working on. I wish I shut the laptop, put the phone down and let him know I loved learning about the things he loved.

 

Though I've come a long way, I'm still learning these lessons. And I have SO many more to learn in the days, months and years ahead without our boy. Lessons on juggling grief and work, finding joy for your other kids when you feel like . How to celebrate Julian's birthday, and Christmas. How to get our hearts to remember the things that our minds know. How to cook again (actually I don't really care about learning that lesson ).

 

Thank you all for your continued prayers five months later. We still need them and I'm pretty sure we always will.

 

 

Xo

Dawn