I recently learned of two suicides that happened on Friday, a teen and a young adult. Both boys from Colorado. Not related in any way. It breaks my heart to know that there are two more families that must travel the road we are on. Two more families who have to complete all of the awful tasks we had to check off our awful lists. Two more families who have painful Fridays. Two more families that have to walk in their son’s room and see an empty bed never to be slept in again, a closet and drawers full of clothes they will never wear again, their favorite new shoes just only taken out of the box only to be left unworn…a room once filled with life that’s now just a memorial…a deafening, silent reminder of what was and is no more.
Death sucks. There’s no coming to peace with it. It’s not natural. Yes, we have the hope of eternity but until then, we lament. We lament for the rest of our lives left on this earth because our sons are in a box in the cold ground when they should be sitting at the dinner table with us, filling our homes with their laughter, with their struggles, with their life.
We were given a number of books after Julian’s death. We didn’t read any of them right away because no words existed that could bring us comfort then but I eventually got around to reading a few of them. One book, Lament for a Son was written by a man who lost his 24 year old son in a climbing accident. He writes:
“It’s the never-ness that is so painful. Never again to be here with us-never to sit with us at the table, never to travel with us, never to laugh with us, never to cry with us, never to embrace as he leaves for school, never to see his brothers and sisters marry. All the rest of our lives we must live without him. Only our death can stop the pain of his death.
A month, a year, five years - with that I could live. But not this forever.” “One small misstep and now this endless never-ness.”
or for us, one big impulsive act and now this endless never-ness.
We aren’t supposed to bury our children. We can’t fathom our future without them. They are supposed to bury us. Julian and his children will never stand by our dying bedside, comforting us. This is wrong. Suicide is wrong. I hate every bit of it all.
But we have to keep moving forward. We don’t get to end all our pain by the pull of a trigger. We have to endure till God says our time on earth is over. So we keep putting one foot in front of the other. We keep holding on to God’s promises of His faithfulness. We accept that we will never be the same people we once were and that’s partly a good thing. We learn the lessons God teaches on the long road of lament and we hope for future joy, though it seems elusive. And we pray that God will use our lamenting, our suffering, our story to minister and walk beside the next family whose lives just fell apart and who now know what it means to lament and suffer and who now have an hard story of their own.
I’ll never stop preaching that #suicideisnevertheanswer because it isn’t. Satan is the author of those lies that make someone believe they can play God with their life and death. The enemy is ALWAYS for death.
Suffering in any form makes us either run to God or away from God. We must choose to run to God with our pain, our problems, our anger, our bitterness. We have to give them to Him daily, hourly sometimes. And leaving it all with Him is not some magic pill that takes away the pain. The pain will always be a part of us but it’s only there we find rest from the pain. It’s in the leaving it all at the foot of the Cross that we find unexplainable peace.
“But as for me, God will redeem my life. He will snatch me from the power of the grave.”
“God is our refuge and strength,
A very present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear, though the earth should change,
And though the mountains slip into the heart of the sea;
Though it’s waters roar and foam,
Though the mountains quake at its swelling pride.
There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
The holy dwelling places of the Most High.
God is in the midst of her,
she will not be moved
GOD WILL HELP HER WHEN MORNING DAWNS.”
Oh yes He has and I know without a doubt He will continue to do so! Amen and Amen.
xo
Dawn
Photo credit: Bella on one of our trips to Moab. Julian walking to Delicate Arch.
2 Comments
Jan 17, 2024, 5:13:49 AM
Lisa Pope - Dawn, so glad I found this. You will always have a permanent place in my heart. You were my first best friend. You were my first playmate. Your pain is my pain and my love for you is endless.
Jan 10, 2024, 6:08:47 PM
Emma Martin - Always in our prayers Sparks ❤️