The day he took his life was void of words of encouragement from his school. Someone caught him with a vape. They didn’t take too keenly to that and he knew he was being suspended. I wasn’t happy about it either. Noy didn’t use any harsh words with him that afternoon. He asked him what made him want to do that and encouraged him to make good decisions even when it was hard and not the popular thing for him to do. They spent time working in the garage on the dirt bike trailer together. Julian came in the house and heated up Chinese food for dinner for himself since I was out of town.

Less than an hour later he was gone. Gone forever. We will never recover from his impulsive decision. None of us will ever be the same.

 

Within 6 months our home went from the chaos of a family of six to the uncomfortable quiet of three of us at home. Bella left for college in August. Maiza moved out in September and Julian left us on February 10th. We knew we’d be in this boat eventually. We just had no idea how soon.

All the things that got the heck on my nerves about raising a big family by today’s standards… I would give anything for a redo…to appreciate the chaos. I miss it. I miss that life.

 

But here we are moving on. Finding joy in raising Wesley. Knowing that though he is only 9, almost 10, it’s gonna go by in the blink of an eye. There’s no time for getting all stressed out about little things, or working too much, or rushing through the day because something better is tomorrow. Wesley lost his best friend and brother but he’s gained more patient and present parents. How could we not learn at least that from our tragedy?

 

We miss our boy but take joy in knowing that his death is not all in vain. Noy and I lean on each other more now than ever before. We’ve learned to number our days. We long for and seek Christ through scripture and messages all day every day. We know we can’t make it through the day without His constant care for us.

 

 

The other day, a mom reached out and sent me the following text. It was a day that I needed to hear that this is not all for nothing. I’m reposting with permission. Please continue to keep us in your prayers. We need them every day.

 

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Hi Dawn, you don’t know me, but my kids were in class with Julian. I only had the privilege to meet him once last year when we gave him a ride to the homecoming game. He was quiet and so polite and had such a sweet smile.

I just wanted to let you know how much your words mean to our kids. They read every post you write, and frequently ask if they can check my Facebook to see what you have written. They are humbled and encouraged by your honesty and your faith, and so am I!

 

There has not been a week that has gone by that your son or your family hasn’t been on our minds, in our prayers and in our conversations. It doesn’t make the hurt or the tragedy any less, but I do want you to know that for our family, our big kids who knew him and even our little 2 who didn’t, (but know him now through all of the stories my kids and their friends keep telling), your story & his life have made a deep, long lasting impact. We talk openly with them on a regular basis about suicide in a way we never would have before. They are so keenly aware of the impact now that they have felt it, walked it in their own way.

 

This summer the kids got the chance to go with our church to Kenya on a mission trip. The day before they left one of the local missionaries there was murdered. The trip they thought would be evangelism, turned quickly into comforting a community in deep grief. The night before they left we prayed about the trip and my daughter said she felt like God knew they were the ones who needed to be on the trip. After a school year of walking though grief, they walked into Kenya and a hurting community with a hearts ready to mourn with those who mourn, knowing they couldn’t say or do anything to fix it, but remembering that being with others was the way through for them, and the gift they had to offer others. Your sons name, his memory, his story were carried with them to the hurting and the broken all the way into the bush of Africa.

 

Playing chauffeur to 2 teenagers and their friends all this summer I have had the privilege to be privy to so many conversations I wish you could have heard. Conversations where they remember your sons favorite song and ask me to turn it up so they can remember him, when they recount silly memories and then wish he could be here again with them this year. Conversations they have about how his death brought their class together in a new way, deeply bonded over loss and determined to look out for one another and never lose anyone again.

 

I have thought so many times about reaching out to you, and I always hesitate as probably most people do, because we don’t want to cause more pain. But your posts are so honest and real and raw and I couldn’t ignore anymore the prompt from the Holy Spirit to reach out.

 

I just wanted you to know that your sweet boy is remembered daily, in the hearts, minds and conversations of so many of his classmates. You may not always hear or see the impact but it is deep and his memory will be with our kids always.

 

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All praise be to God!

 

Xo

Dawn