Random thoughts on Week 11:
I took hundreds upon hundreds of photos of Julian but hardly any video. We miss hearing his voice.
I love that Julian took a number of selfies by himself and with his friends. I’ve downloaded them all and look at them often.
Our grocery bill is nil compared to what it was when Julian was here. Wesley doesn’t eat anything but goldfish and the like and we do a lot of door dashing since I don’t cook anymore. And we have a TON less garbage to take to the curb on Thursday evenings.
King Soopers has a spot with highly discounted flowers that have been around for awhile. They are perfect for taking to Julians grave which I try to visit often.
We still haven’t ordered his headstone.
I can’t predict what will send me into sadness. Could be snow, could be sunshine. Could be a memory or a strong desire for Julian to walk down the stairs. Wednesdays and Fridays always start with a heavy heart.
The animals miss Julian too. Keeka seeks attention from me more than ever before.
Life does go on. I don’t really want it to but the clock doesn’t care what I want. Time is moving forward and I have to too.
I hate doing the cat litter, emptying the dishwasher and picking up dog poop as much as Julian did.
Trauma helps with weight loss though I don’t recommend that method.
If I could start my parenting journey all over again I’d probably do a lot of things different but without a doubt I would never give my kid a phone until they were much older and never a smart phone.
It’s amazing how few questions I had about Heaven before all of this. You don’t think about the logistics of the afterlife until your child beats you there. Questions like: can Julian hear us? does he know we miss him? does his laugh sound the same? do you crack witty jokes in heaven? The Bible doesn’t answer those questions and I’m sure there’s good reason for it but I wish I knew.
Crisis reveals the true state of one’s faith. My faith has always asked questions and searched for answers but nothing like what I’ve experienced in the last 11 weeks. I spent the two week prior to this one in the pit of despair. A sadness that only a parent who has lost a kid can understand.
But when Christ said, seek me and you will find me, I’m here to attest that He wasn’t lying. Praise God he was not subtle in His speaking to me this week. There’s a closeness and a secret chamber that I would have never known in a state of prosperity. If you’re falling for that prosperity gospel, it’s time to chuck that crap out the window. Nearness to Christ can not be found there. I find myself running, maybe even sprinting to the Father again and again and again and again.
If you grew up in church, you may remember the little kids song that went something like, “The wise man built his house upon a rock but the foolish man built his house upon the sand…and the rains came down and the floods came up…” I thank GOD for my firm foundation because the storms have come and they seem to still be coming. Maybe they will come the rest of my days. My hope is that my firm foundation isn’t going to give way.
Noy has been a ROCK to me and the best earthly comforter. I will be forever grateful for him.
A quick ending note:
Psalm 97:11 never meant much to me. “Light is sown like seed for the righteous, and gladness for the upright in heart.” But I read a commentary that suggested to think of it with regard to God’s providence. Every hardship is sown with light for the faithful. Life may look unpleasant and dark today like a field who’s seed has just been sown.
Maybe your field looks like a bad health report, a dying spouse, a lost job. BUT for the faithful, gladness and light will be the ultimate harvest. Maybe we don’t see that harvest this side of our journey, but God will not be made a liar and I’m taking his promises to the bank.
There’s not a single event in my life that God will not turn into gladness. Not my dead child, not my friend’s cancer diagnosis, not even a missed bus that God will not ultimately use for our good. Because He IS good and his mercy endures FOREVER.
Happy weekend friends. Thanks for reading my ramblings.
xo
Dawn
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