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Everyone's heard about the different stages of grief. And of course, you hope you never know them personally. I’m only two weeks in so I’m not naive enough to think I’ve even scratched the surface of what each stage feels like. But I don’t have to be an expert in grief to share what I’m feeling now.
 
Yesterday, I was going along just fine until I got a call that made me angry. It frayed my nerves and suddenly (because you can’t prepare for these emotions) I was angry at everything.
 
Angry at the rotting flowers that are smelling up my home.
 
Angry at Julian.
 
Angry at the insurance rep who has clearly never been trained to speak to a mom who just lost their kid.
 
Angry that it cost over $20,000 to clean up a trauma scene.
 
Angry that now we want to move but interest rates are nearly 7%.
 
Angry that Wesley is grieving and that he has to grow up without his best friend.
 
Angry that we have no answers and that even if we did, it would provide no solace.
 
Angry that it’s 6 degrees outside.
 
Angry that we are left to pick up all the pieces of this mess and somehow live a full life.
 
I could go on, but you get the picture. I stayed my angry self the rest of the day and it just felt right.
 
And friends, this would be an extremely sad and empty post (real but empty) except for one truth that I fall back on EVERY SINGLE DAY...
 
MY GOD IS SOVEREIGN.
 
These are not some super religious words to help me feel like a spiritual giant. If you saw me yesterday, you would know that is the farthest thing from what I am.
 
I know with 100% assurance that God is sovereign and friends, it is truly:
 
My only hope;
 
My only consolation;
 
The reason I can get out of bed in the morning;
 
The reason I can put one foot in front of the other;
 
The reason I know that God will use this tragedy for good.
 
The reason I can be angry but not let that anger turn to bitterness.
 
God loves me and though I cannot see the reason behind this NIGHTMARE, I can rest in knowing that HE is for ME.
 
“We love you because you have heard our voice.
You have inclined Your ear to us whenever we call upon You.
The cords of death entangled us; we came to grief and sorrow.
Then we called upon You to save our life,
And you were gracious and full of compassion."
 
"We called upon you in our distress; You answered by setting us free.
You are with us, we shall not fear; what can anyone do to us?
You are at our side to help us; it is better to rely on You than on all others.
You are our strength and our song, and You have become our salvation."
 
Much love to you all for letting me share this journey with you.
 
xo
Dawn

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