Julian’s birthday is Wednesday, and it’s the first of many birthdays that he’ll be missed. The anxiety of it is hard to explain it but It reminds me of the anxiousness and pit-in-my stomach feeling I experienced when I was waiting on our call from Suzy almost 22 years ago. Suzy was Dr. Schoolcraft’s nurse from the Colorado Center for Reproductive Medicine. Ten days prior we had our only IVF embryo transfer. We knew it would be our only chance at IVF because of the emotional and financial toll it took on us. If none of the three embryos we transferred made it, we weren’t sure if we would ever have children.

 

I remember that December morning like it was yesterday. It was the day after Christmas and I was on my hands and knees scrubbing the bathroom floor trying to distract myself when the phone call came. My HCG level was lower than they had hoped but still positive. In that moment, all my anxiety vanished and turned to joy. I was pregnant and I just knew everything was going to be okay. The years of prayers that went up on our behalf by friends and family had finally been answered! Maiza was born 9 months later. All my other pregnancies were natural and we often tease that we got our kids on a buy one get three free deal.

 

All these years later, friends, family, and perfect strangers are lifting us up in prayer again. I know this because I feel them. The circumstances are different but the prayers are still for the heart of a mom and dad longing for their child.

Julian was a rainbow baby after the loss of one the year before at 11 1/2 weeks. When we took the girls trick or treating on Halloween, there was no sign the new baby would be arriving the next day but by mid-day on November 1st, I knew was coming soon. At 10:41 pm, our first boy arrived with blue eyes and dark hair which quickly turned blond. It always surprised us that we had two blue-eye’d babies since neither of us have blue eyes. For 14 years, we either celebrated his birthday on Halloween or at Bowlero and some years both. When he was little, he was always a super hero and in the more recent years, he insisted on being a banana. Last year was the first year he spent halloween away from home.

 

As November 1st approaches, I’ve been wondering how we are supposed to celebrate a birthday for a child who’s no longer here. I’ve prayed a lot about it, talked with Noy and the kids about it and though I still don’t have a solid answer, I know I don’t want to sit around and feel sorry for myself. I’ve tried that. It doesn’t bring any comfort. I’ve been thinking about who Julian was and how we can honor his memory and more importantly how we can honor Christ in our heavy grief this week. What better way to honor them both than to serve those around us? I don’t know exactly what that looks like but God can take care of those details.

 

If you loved Julian and are missing him this week like we are, would you honor him by serving others too? Is there a kid at your school that looks lonely? Go give them a kind word. Do you have a relative who would love to hear from you? Make that phone call. Is there a friend or neighbor who recently lost someone they love? Take them some cookies or flowers and stay and chat awhile. Our time is really the best gift we can give those around us. There’s a world of hurting people out there. Would you go be Christ to one or more of them on Wednesday in honor of our boy? And if you’re in Castle Rock, maybe have some Stumpy’s Pizza (Julian’s favorite) and a cake like we plan on doing. And if you want to go all out, feel free to be a banana this Halloween.

 

Finally, would you say an extra prayer for us this week as we navigate the first of the upcoming celebrations that we don’t feel like celebrating? I know that, just as God answered all of those prayers for a baby 22 years ago, He will sustain us through our darkest days.

xo

Dawn